Friday, December 23, 2011

not your internet source for strap-ons

a little bored this evening, so i decided to look at google analytics and see who has viewed this rarely updated blog in the past 3 months, and if they did look at it, how did they get here?

most are looking for something called a "strap-on" , and think that a blog called strapsblog would be the definitive source for all things strap-on. unfortunately for would be strapper-onners, it is not. strap is a nickname i picked up back in '98. few people call me strap, but it's the only other handle i've ever had (so to speak).

'garlic hangover' is the most popular single search term, however if i added up all the various permutations of strap-on, i know it would be beaten.

here are a few of my favorite search terms:
domestic strapon blog
christians view on dildos
awkward man hugs
peeing in a bottle in a car
mosterboobs.blogs strap on
are dildos ok for christians
i just opened a michelob ultra and it tastes like paint thinner

and my personal favorite:
honolulu prostate ass strap

yes, someone in hawaii is looking for something called a prostate ass strap. hope they found what they were looking for at another site.

2005 Christmas Letter

Cleaning up a removable harddrive and found this Christmas letter we sent in 2005.


We’re sitting here on a Saturday night, trying to determine our level of consciousness. After listening to Dr. Hawkins discuss the map of consciousness, we’re both eager to get calibrated. We’re in need of a verified teacher over 400.…do you know of any? How high would you calibrate a groundhog? I would say they calibrate fairly high on the scale of 1-1000...certainly over 200, the level of truth and integrity. They’re a dedicated lot that enjoy doing their ground hogging all day. Say what you will about the Japanese during WWII, but the Kamikaze pilots calibrated to around 390, due to the honor, integrity and love of country that drove them to their actions….same with the Luftwaffe, they calibrated somewhere in the 300s. Phoenix is certainly in the 400s…not quite to the level of enlightenment (600), but up there with a lot of the greats.

Well, that’s just some of the things we’ve learned lately….maybe a lot of info here, but here are some other tidbits of info you might find useful:

1) A lot of modern ailments are due to dehydration. Heart burn, for instance can be cured by drinking more water…sea salt is another good cure. The rule of thumb is that you should drink 1oz for every 2lbs of body weight…for example, if you weigh 200lbs, you should drink 100oz’s of water per day. For optimal health, mix ¼ teaspoon of sea salt into each quart of water. Make sure it’s sea salt, and not the table variety. Table salt has 3 minerals, whereas you get 50+ in sea salt.

2) Americans have gotten so fat in recent years, so needles for giving injections in the buttocks are now made longer.

3) The moment of our death is karma-cly determined when we are born. No matter what you do, you will die on this preset date. However, you have no way of knowing this date…well, I think if you reached the level of avatar (985), surely you could. This is all FACT…and is proven. You can check that out.

4) You should strive to have 3 bowel movements per day.

Hopefully some of this stuff has helped you in your quest for enlightenment…have you been calibrated lately? Unfortunately, our level of consciousness is determined at birth, Karma-cly I suppose, and we can only hope to vary by 5 points throughout our lifetime…so, what that means is that if you hope to attain enlightenment in this lifetime, you must’ve been born at 595 and hope for the full 5 point gain. I haven’t heard of many people (other than Jesus and Buddha) that were even in the 500s--Winston Churchill was a 510.

Merry Christmas,

Thursday, September 22, 2011

SM100 2011

it's been a few weeks since labor day, but i thought i'd write a bit about the SM100...mainly so that i'll have something to look back on in the winter that will aid my decision on whether to do the race in 2012. before and immediately after the race, i swore that i'd go out to stokesville, ride a bit and volunteer for the 2012 edition. a week later, i was talking to a guy i met while sonya was running a trail half marathon at douthat state park. he did the race as well, and i found myself talking about next year.

last year:

-got in some good training following pro Chris Eatough's training plan

-had 4 or 5 good mountain rides before the race

-weather was near perfect starting in the low 50s and not getting out of the 70s during the race

-finished in just over 11 hours, even after drinking 4 Dogfish 90 minute IPAs the night before

this year:

-blew off nearly all my long training rides

-most short rides were commutes, most trail rides were wakefield (easy urban singletrack)

-it was hot and humid at the race

-had 4 random beers the night before

night before the race, camped with chris, jim and whit...all first timers. after a short 2 hour ride, and after looking at the weather forecast i was dreading the race. went ahead and enjoyed some of the great brews provided by the race sponsors, sat around and bullshat until about 10pm. got a little sleep, since some jackasses nearby decided to talk all night.

got through the pre-race routine. brought my own breakfast and toilet paper (lesson learned from last year), lined up feeling good.

good pace up the first climb. first singletrack section was a logjam as usual. it's not that hard to ride, but is almost unrideable with that many people trying to make it through. back out on the road, got in a good paceline up until the lynn trail section. was unable to ride last year due to the fact that it's 1) steep, rooty and a downright difficult climb and 2) there were so many people walking. maybe i could ride it if there was noone in front of me, but that wasn't the case. pushed up most the way. descent down the wolf trail was kickass, good flow, awesome. something clicked this year and i wasn't getting passed on the descents. in fact, passed a lot of people going downhill. saw a dude break a collarbone, also as i told a guy i was going by on his left, i heard a whimpering "okay, go." hammered down the lower section, nice twisty smooth singletrack. got with another group for the long road ride to aid station #2...refilled the camelback (first sign that it was a hot one) and got back moving--a short NASCAR style pit. ran into adventure race buddy Hayne on the road, chatted a bit, made the turn to start the Hanky climb and slipped on a patch of mud next to the gate. fell, and immediately cramped getting back up. at mile 33 of a 100miler this wasn't good, especially since i had a 7 mile steeper than shit climb to make it up. shook off the cramp and started the slog to the top. eventually rejoined Hayne, passed him since he was on a singlespeed and was quickly out of gearing. sweat a gallon by the time i made it to the top. began the descent...tricky at the top, lots of people walking. with my newfound descending confidence, decided to ride. ended up catching another dude trying to descend, blindly followed his wheel as we jumped down 2-3 foot rock ledges. heard some folks cheering "yeah, you made it" and noticed there was a medic station at the bottom of the ledge section. the payoff for making it through that section is about 4-5 miles of some of the best downhill riding in VA. flew down to AS3, reloaded the Camelback yet again, and began the Braley loop...this loop was my nemesis last year, as i walked a lot of the climb. uphill rock gardens suck. prerode it a couple weeks prior and was able to ride it, but i did it with fresh legs. no such luck on race day. still managing cramps, tried to bridge up to a teammate i saw on the road section so that i'd have someone to ride with on the luck. hit the singletrack and noticed it was super muggy in that area, trails were wet, rooty, much messier than 2 weeks prior. someone ahead of me slipped and got off her bike, but i was unable to react and ended up hitting her rear wheel, had to put a foot down...caused a cramp. that began a period of hike-a-bike/ride that i continued until the top of the climb. it was hot, muggy and there were lots of folks sitting and resting next to the trail. seemed like it took forever to get to the top. started my descent and slipped in the first rock garden. got back up and continued downhill. heard some rattling and the bike felt unstable. looked down at my rear shock and noticed an unusual amount of bouncing. thought for sure i had a broken shock. was somewhat relieved...thought that the mechanical incident would be a good excuse to DNF. got to the bottom of the hill, asked for a mechanic. told him for sure my shock was broken. he got on, jumped around. said it was fine. i asked him to check again. it was a crazy rattle. discovered it was a CO2 cartridge rattling around in my now broken seat bag. felt like a dumbass, but told him it felt unstable. come to find out, my front wheel skewer had become loose. that could've been ugly. was relieved for it to be fixed, not relieved to ride on. took off out of AS4 and a dude rolls up to me, asks how he should bail out of the race. i give him directions back to the Stokesville campground. we talk for a bit. the heat was getting him, as it was me. thought about joining him. we pacelined for a bit, i see the turnoff...just 4 miles back to base camp, or 35 more miles of mainly climbing. fought the urge to quit, continued to roll up the hill slowly. hit the switchback to start the deathclimb and saw a 10 year old kid. a few minutes later, he rolls up next to me and says this is a tough climb. i try to hang, he drops me as it gets steeper. eventually make it to the aid station. talk to some teammates who look like they're also in bad shape. ate some pizza, pushed on. climbed through the 17 meadow mind-fuck. elated to be at the top, the highest point of the race. took a celebratory piss and ate a cliff bar. begin the descent, which sucks, as there are a lot of steep climbs that were unrideable for me at this point. finally get to the nice flowy descent, start to bomb it. heard a loud gunshot, feel something graze my ear. thought for sure i was being shot at. immediate instinct to pedal harder. looked down...oh shit, was my tube exploded. tire looked shredded. pissed, thought this was going to be the DNF. luckily the tire remained intact. pissed to have to fix a flat. couldn't get much pressure in the tire, nursed it down to the aid station. loaded up on air to begin the last 12 miles. incorrectly remembered it to be a short climb and a fun descent...climb seemed to take forever. eventually crossed the line in just over 12 hours.

the look on this picture tells you what kind of day i had.

so, jury's still out on next year.

Sunday, July 3, 2011


it's been 2 years since my last good placing in a bike race

last year, coulda, shoulda, woulda taken 2nd or 3rd.

much better weather this year, and i had a better strategy....keep the bike moving.

last year, the nutrition plan was good. showed up with the same stuff.

started out much stronger, throwing down 58 minute laps for the first 2. i passed a couple guys in my category. checked the standings this time, noticed i was in a strong 2nd place. didn't take a break until after 3 laps when i saw sonya and the boys near the pit area. they told me that ants had invaded my cooler. i was down to only 1 peanut butter and nutella sandwich to get me through the race. i salvaged a sandwich, shoved it in my face and took off for 2 more laps. cramps set in during lap 5. took a short pit. at that point i mentally checked out of the race. only thing that kept me going was the standings. top 3 guys within a 15 minute spread. shoved some chips in my mouth, ate an ant-infested pb & nutella and headed back out barely clinging onto 2nd. pit again after lap 6. saw i was in 3rd...dude must've passed me while i was pitting. was now walking more climbs. sonya was back at the pit area after lap 8 with a caramel frappucino and a sandwich i requested. frappucino was the perfect blend of sweet, cold and new goto endurance drink. sandwich made me want to puke. almost quit. sonya asked what i'd win, and i admitted that i was destroying my body for a pint glass and a $30 gift certificate. at this point, i was in a solid 3rd, but i knew the 4th place guy would have a chance at going out for a 9th lap. if i rode at a consistent pace, i could start my 10th lap before the 7pm cutoff and go for the win. lap 8 was a slog, and i knew that lap 9 couldn't be much better and 10 would be painful. so, i went out a littler slower than usual, knowing i wouldn't be caught by #4, but fighting the temptation to score a glass with a #1 or #2 on it. came across the line at 7:04 pm with 9 laps, just missing the cutoff. one guy did 10, so i coulda pushed it a little harder and done a 10th lap for 2nd...but beer and pizza was calling my name.

haven't touched a bike in over a week, the longest riding drought in a couple of years. that one completely destroyed my body. now that i proved something to myself...mainly that i'm crazy enough to turn my body inside out for another pint glass...i can go back to riding on relay teams.

Friday, April 8, 2011

It was a great season for denim.

This is as nerdy as we get


2011 has gotten off to a muddy start. I've participated in 2 trail races...both of those runs were in less than optimal conditions. Downpours for the first made the hills and rock gardens treacherous and painful. The 2nd race there was a freak late March snow inch or so of snow, muddy trails and slick wooden bridges. Tomorrow is the first mountain bike race...rain all day today. 13 hours on the trails...time to embrace the mud.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

RIP Bootsy II

no more gray rats named bootsy.

washington monument

finally made it to the top...picked the coldest and windiest day of the year. we bundled up and fought the crowd of anti-abortioners for our few minutes on top

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Top 25 Beers of 2010

From my account:

1. Stone Sublimely Self Righteous 4.8
2 Oskar Blues Ten FIDY 4.7
3. Ommegang Abbey Ale 4.7
4. Dogfish Head Squall IPA 4.6
5. Dogfish Head Burton Baton 4.6
6. Victory Storm King Imperial Stout 4.5
7. Lagunitas A Little Sumpin' Wild Ale 4.5
8. Oskar Blues Gubna Imperial IPA 4.5
9. Uerige Doppel Sticke 4.5
10. Oskar Blues Old Chub 4.5
11. Great Divide Oak Aged Yeti Imperial Stout 4.4
12. Gulden Draak 4.4
13. Allagash Black 4.4
14. Troegs Mad Elf Holiday Ale 4.4
15. Stone Double Bastard Ale 4.3
16. Dogfish Head 120 Miute IPA 4.3
17. Flying Dog Double Dog Double Pale Ale 4.3
18. Terrapin Hopsecutioner IPA 4.3
19. Southern Tier Harvest Ale 4.3
20. Sierra Nevada 30th Anniversary 4.2
21. Dogfish Head Bitches Brew 4.2
22. Allagash Tripel Reserve 4.2
23. Sierra Nevada Northern Hemisphere Harvest Wet Hop Ale 4.2
24. Avery The Kaiser Imperial Oktoberfest 4.2
25. Dogfish Head Theobroma 4.2